


How It Began

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-10 02:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12289248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: Starting somewhen in school ... Tarja's and Tuomas' story from the beginning. From the very beginning.Or:Long, boring and fluffy story about two young teenagers and their first-times-experiences and ups and downs and downs and downs ... and ups?(Disclaimer: of course I changed a few things about the history of Nightwish... mostly times and everything. Sorry.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, dearest. Truth is - I'm not really writing anymore. I don't know why! Lack of time, lack of lust, lack of readers, ... no idea. Anyhow I have a few started And not finished stories that I really want to share with you. So this is the first one. I've written 5 chapters of it so far. Hope you'll like it and hope I'll soon be able to continue. Same with Awakening and A Fatal Affair. Alright then - I hope my researches for the history of Nightwish were good enough. Of course I changed a few things, hope you'll like it anyway. Peace and love -  
> Rena.

He didn't really think a lot about his life. Going to school, going to band rehearsal, going home, eating something, spending the rest of the day reading Donald Duck comics. Every day over and over again. He didn't think a lot about it ... Until he met her.  
Her name was Tarja Turunen. She was a class beneath him.  
He of course remembered her from the piano lessons, her piano teacher used to be no one else than his mother. He used hide whenever she would be there, playing on his piano, but he would always watch her.  
He had liked her as a kid already.  
But then she had become older, more adult ... and very, very beautiful. At least in his eyes and how it seemed only in his eyes.   
Tuomas watched her in the breaks, she was hanging out with boys mostly. Played soccer with them. He hated soccer, so he couldn't join. Or she just sat in the grass, talking to her friends.   
Tuomas wondered if perhaps one of them was her boyfriend - but it didn't seem like it.  
Tuomas thought of his life as not really interesting.  
Until she joined his band.

It was a cold and rainy day in November. Tuomas was warming up, himself and the clarinet. He grinned at Antti and Tapio and blew into the flute. He tried not to waste a single thought about Tarja anymore, whom he had seen that day. He had met her just outside the lockers. He had smiled at her and she had smiled back shyly. But her eyes had been swollen and red. Tuomas still wondered why she had been crying.  
But now he was waiting for professor Dimov to enter. And as he finally did - he got a light shock.  
Someone was walking behind him.  
Someone really small and shy. A dark blonde girl.  
Tarja.  
"Hello, guys," Dimov said with his unmistakable and funny accent, "that's Tarja. She'll join us today."  
Tarja eyed the bandmates carefully. Her eyes hung on Tuomas for a few seconds.   
Tuomas smiled at her. Tarja blushed and looked away.  
"Okay ..." Dimov continued. "Tarja? Can you take a seat next to Liina?"  
"Uh - there?" Tarja asked and pointed at one of the empty seats in the soprano area.  
"Yes," Dimov just replied and Tarja walked over to them. Really shy and slowly.  
And as she took the empty chair, Tuomas could watch Liina move away from her a bit.  
Huh?  
Tarja didn't even look at Liina. If she minded?  
'Girls,' Tuomas thought.

He watched Tarja for the following days. She seemed really shy but for some reason she was Dimov's favourite student. He always let her sing solos and always praised her. Of course Tuomas noticed that some of the girls were really angry about that fact.  
One day Tarja was ill and had to stay at home. Tuomas wondered what Dimov would do, but he soon discovered that the teacher simply didn't ask for the songs that Tarja usually sang. Soon Raahel was allowed to sing again. And sometimes Leea. Sometimes Tapio. Dimov didn't say a word about Tarja. But eventually, Leea did.  
"Glad that this ugly Turunen girl's not here today," she spat and the other girls laughed.  
"She's not bad," Matti said and the girls stared at him.  
"Of course not. She's playing soccer with you. She has to be okay."  
"No, really," Antti also said. "She has a great humour as well."  
"Oh, come on." Raahel rolled her eyes. "She's such a child."  
"How old is she?" Tuomas chipped in.  
"Uh, I think she turned thirteen in August," Ilona, the oldest girl of the band, replied. "As I said. Child."  
"But what do you have against her?" Tuomas asked on and Leea shrugged.  
"She's annoying. She always gets the solos. She has this really annoying look. She ... I don't know, I just don't like her."  
"Me neither," some other girls mumbled and Tuomas leaned back.  
Tarja's swollen and red eyes still haunted his dreams.  
Why had she been crying?

Tarja was ill a lot.  
Tuomas had of course never noticed, since she wasn't in his class. But after she joined the band, she was missing a lot. She was missing more times than she was really there but somehow Dimov didn't seem to mind. He never even mentioned her, while the girls were talking even more about her. They called her a slut, a cock-sucker, a hooker and more. They warned the guys about not talking to her again because she was such a slut.  
Tuomas snorted. The guys wouldn't really believe this.

But they did.  
Tuomas didn't stop watching her and soon he noticed, that they didn't want to play soccer with her anymore.  
Then she was missing again.  
And a week after she came back again, she sat in the school's aula alone. Eating something. Alone.  
Tuomas watched her, while his friend Niina didn't stop talking.  
"Excuse me," he suddenly mumbled and stood up. He ignored Niina's protests and walked over to Tarja. "Can I sit here?"  
Tarja looked at him. Her eyes were big and scared. Tuomas smiled at her.  
"Why?" the girl asked shyly.  
"Because I don't want you to sit alone," Tuomas answered honestly and Tarja blushed.  
"Oh- okay," she then mumbled and Tuomas sat down next to her.  
"I'm Tuomas," he said and Tarja smiled.  
"I know ..."  
"Where from?"  
"You're in the school band as well. And I used to visit your mother a lot."  
"Right," Tuomas nodded. "How are you, by the way?"  
"Why?" Tarja avoided his eyes.  
"Well, you've been ill the last weeks."  
"Ah." Tarja took a bite of her food. "I'm fine."  
"Are you going to be ill tomorrow?" Tuomas asked and Tarja coughed.  
"Why?"  
"Because the girls are talking shit about you behind your back. And when it's too much for you, you stay at home."  
Tarja coughed again. "Wow... did you stalk me?"  
"I didn't stalk you," Tuomas said. "I was curious about why you're so hated and started listening to the shit the girls are saying about you. And then I noticed that, always when they come up with something new, you're missing the next day."  
Tarja didn't reply at first. "I have stomach cramps," she then said slowly. "Everytime I hear them talk about me, I get cramps. The whole night. And in the morning. Then my dad says I can stay at home."  
"So it's just because you're afraid of going to school?" Tuomas guessed and Tarja nodded.  
"I suppose," she said before Tuomas stood up.  
"I have maths now, sorry. Need to leave. Was nice talking to you, Tarja." He smiled at her and she smiled back.  
He didn't know that he had just saved her day.

But Tarja walked home with a jumping heart. Maybe not everyone hated her? Maybe he was really nice? Maybe she was about to make a friend?  
It was the first time in weeks she smiled.

Tuomas really intended to talk more to her, no matter what Niina said. That she wasn't interested in a friendship with him because she was a hardcore lesbian and, obviously, hated men. Tuomas of course didn't believe Niina. Niina was too obsessed with him, he had known for months already. So he ignored his little stalker and sat down next to Tarja again.  
"Hi." He smiled. "Glad you're not ill today. We're about to sing some stuff in choir which will be hard without your beautiful soprano."  
Tarja blushed. "Beautiful...?"  
"Well - yes," Tuomas said shyly. "Don't think I haven't noticed your voice."  
Tarja smiled even more now. "Am I better than Leea?"  
"Oh yes, definitely," Tuomas said. "No wonder Dimov chose you as his favourite singer of all time."  
"Oh, come on." Tarja laughed lightly and Tuomas' heart stopped for a moment. She was laughing! Because of him. He smiled.  
"Can I ask you something?"  
"Sure, what?" Tarja avoided his eyes.  
"Why are you mostly crying when I see you after school?"  
"Oh." Tarja stared at her food. "I don't know ... school's exhausting."  
"You mean the people are," Tuomas helped her but Tarja didn't answer.  
Still he knew. No answer was an answer as well.

He watched her a lot. She was quiet and didn't dress any different than other people, still the 'cool' people wouldn't want to leave her alone. They called her things she definitely didn't deserve.  
What had she done that people treated her like shit?  
She was missing for the next whole week again. And on Friday he had enough. He went to Tarja's class and asked the teacher if he should bring the homework to the poor, ill girl. The teacher was happy, agreed, and told Tuomas what they had learned in the last week. And straight after school, he asked his sister to drive him to Puhos.  
He didn't know where exactly she lived, so he called and asked his mother on their drive. Gladly she knew.  
"There's a yellow house now," Tuomas said and his mother on the other end of the line nodded.  
"Go on, in about ten metres you'll see her house. It's white."  
This way they found it.  
"I'll pick you up when you're done," Susanna promised and Tuomas thanked his sister.  
Tuomas, nervous as hell, rang the doorbell.  
A rather small man opened, dark hair, grumpy face. "Yes?"  
"Is Tarja here?" Tuomas asked and the man nodded.  
"Who are you?"  
"Tuomas Holopainen," Tuomas answered, trying not to sound all too frightened.   
"Ah," the man only replied though and stepped aside. "Come in, Tuomas. Tarja is upstairs, I'm going to call for her."  
Tuomas looked around the house. It looked nice but ... something was missing. He didn't know what.  
"Tarja!" her father, Tuomas supposed, called. "You have a visitor!"  
"Me?" Tarja called back and came downstairs. She froze as she saw him. "Tuomas!"  
"Hi," Tuomas said gently. She looked so cute. He couldn't help it, she was too cute.  
Tarja got down. "It's okay, daddy," she mumbled and Mr Turunen moved back. "What are you doing here?" she asked gently.  
"I brought you some school stuff. A week is a lot and I don't want you to miss too much."  
"Aw," Tarja said and couldn't help but smile. "Well, come upstairs."  
"Do you want anything to drink?" Mr Turunen asked.  
"Yeah, bring us some vodka," Tarja joked and Tuomas laughed gently. She really had a good sense of humour.

Teuvo Turunen actually brought them two cups of coffee. Tuomas didn't like coffee, but he thanked Tarja's father politely.  
He left again. "Is your mother here as well?" Tuomas asked and Tarja shook her head.  
"She's... uh... she's at the hospital."  
"Oh no," Tuomas mumbled. "Is she okay?" Only a second after he wanted to slap himself. Of course she wasn't!  
"Eh ... she has cancer and doesn't get along with chemotherapy." Tarja sunk her gaze.  
"Oh," Tuomas felt deep sorrow for the girl. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know ..."  
"No one does," Tarja said quietly. "So yeah, she will die soon."  
Tuomas was speechless. If the other's knew, maybe they'd leave her alone.  
He didn't comment on her despair anymore and started explaining her homework to her. Tarja was really fast with understanding, even though Tuomas was no teacher.  
Tarja drank all the coffee, which surprised him a lot. She had only turned 13 some months ago! And after schoolwork, as Tuomas wanted to call Susanna, Tarja asked him to stay.  
"Can you?"  
Tuomas smiled. "Sure. What do you want to do?"  
"Just talk ... if that's okay?"  
"Yes. Sure." The teens sat down side by side and Tuomas looked at the younger girl. "Talk."  
"About?"  
"You wanted to talk, so you have to know about what," Tuomas laughed and Tarja sighed quietly.  
"Okay, well ... it's about my bullies."  
Tuomas' face went soft. "I thought so ... why do they hate you?"  
"I don't know. It started some years ago already, they're talking shit about me and laugh about everything I do and say ... That's why I'm not saying anything most of the time. I'm scared they will hate on me."  
"Aha," Tuomas replied. "And why did you cry? Why do you cry, for all that matters?"  
"Because... I don't bear getting bullied by them. They call me things they're not supposed to say about me. And then I think about my mum. And then the tears just flow ..."  
"Oh, Tarja," Tuomas said quietly. He felt so sorry for her.  
"I need to get a thicker skin," Tarja said. "I know I need to. But you know - boys used to be nice to me. Now they aren't anymore. They just changed sides and I don't know why. And everyday I have those cramps in my stomach ... I'm just so scared to go to school."  
Tuomas smiled at her. "We can be friends," he offered. "I won't change sides."  
Tarja blushed lightly. "I'd like that."

So Tarja and Tuomas grew together. They met outside school, sat together during the breaks, talked to each other during the band meetings. Tarja's heart raced everytime he smiled at her, her breath got stuck everytime he talked with her.  
Tuomas didn't know about this crush the younger girl had on him. He fancied her as well, but didn't think of it as important. Tarja would never like him this way. They were friends. Only friends.  
Of course the other children made fun of them. The weird girl and the nerd, they called them, but neither Tarja nor Tuomas cared about them. They did their own thing and ignored the other people. And then ...  
Well. Then their story started.


	2. Chapter 2

In the new year, Tuomas was hosting a birthday party. He invited only his best friends, who were - to that time - Tarja, Niina and a boy of the school's band, Tommi. Tarja and Niina, who weren't really fond of each other, tried to ignore each other during the small party. It was fine ... until Tarja came back from the toilet and noticed that Tuomas was gone. Luckily so was Niina but Tarja was scared to be alone with a boy from school she didn't really know.  
"Where's Tuomas?" Tarja asked shyly and Tommi looked around.  
"Uh ... I think he went up into his room. I don't know, though."  
Tarja thanked Tommi and collected all her courage. She wanted to kiss him. She would kiss him now. She had fantasised about kissing his lips for days, weeks. Now she would do it.  
She walked upstairs and walked to his door. She froze as she heard something coming out from his room.  
Oh. Niina was with him ...  
She pressed her ear against the door.  
"What's up with that Turunen girl?" Niina asked and Tarja rolled her eyes. "Why is she here? I don't like her."  
"She's my best friend," Tuomas replied and Tarja's heart started racing.  
'More than that, Tuo,' she thought gently. They were together every day.  
"Ah, okay," Niina mumbled. "At least she's not your girlfriend or something."  
Then it was quiet. Tarja felt offended by the 'not girlfriend' thing, but she had to admit that Niina was right. She wasn't his girlfriend. Not yet.  
Tarja collected her courage once again. She needed to ask Tuomas for a word. Then she'd kiss him...  
She carefully opened the door.   
And froze on her spot.  
And suddenly she understood - Tuomas didn't like her in that way. He wouldn't want to kiss her.  
Because he was already kissing Niina.   
With a small sob Tarja turned around and ran away. She put on her shoes, her jacket, and then left the house.   
Tears were streaming down her face, the image of Tuomas and Niina kissing wouldn't leave her mind.

Tuomas pushed Niina away. "Nice," he said quietly. "But I don't think I have any feelings for you."  
"But ..." Niina was smashed. "You and I... we belong together."  
"No, I don't think so," Tuomas replied. "Not really. You're just a friend. Sorry."  
"And that Turunen girl?" Niina asked with a pout.  
"She's a friend as well," Tuomas lied. The thought of kissing Tarja... was so much more exciting than kissing Niina. But as they went downstairs, there was no Tarja anymore.  
"She left," Tommi answered. "Seemed to be in distress."  
Tuomas called her but she didn't pick up.

And the next week she was ill again.  
Perfect reason to visit her at home, Tuomas thought and took the bus to Puhos. Tarja's younger brother opened and let Tuomas inside.   
"Is someone else here?" Tuomas asked, but Toni shook his head.  
"Dad is with mum. She feels worse."  
"Oh boy, I'm sorry," Tuomas said and walked upstairs. Knocking at Tarja's door, he smiled as the girl shouted:  
"Leave me alone, Toni!"  
He entered.   
"I said -" Tarja went quiet as she saw him. "Uhm ... hi," she then mumbled and looked into her book again.  
Tuomas took a seat on her bed. He liked to watch her read, it was a beautiful image. She was so smart.  
He didn't say anything. Neither did she, but after a few more pages she looked at him. "Why are you here?"  
"I missed you." He smiled at her but Tarja kept looking at him with an empty look. "Are you okay?"  
"Uh... yes. Why? I'm fine." Tarja's answer came too quick.  
"Then why are you at home?"  
"School bores me," Tarja lied. "And I have enough of all those super stupid girls calling me a fat whore and stuff like that ... so yeah. I'm not in mood."  
"Ah" Tuomas said. "And what are you doing at home?"  
"Reading, singing, writing," Tarja mumbled and finally looked at him. "Congratulations, by the way."  
"What for?" Tuomas asked in confusion.   
"Well I heard... that you and Niina... are a couple now," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas shook his head.  
"Where did you hear that? That's bullshit."  
"I don't know ..." Tarja lied and blushed.  
"Did Niina tell you? Oh, Tarja. Listen, she kissed me during my birthday party but I don't feel anything for her. I let her go on, then pushed her away. She's too ..." he looked at her, trying to look for a word to describe Niina and make Tarja understand that he didn't like this attribute at all. "Immodest. She's too sure of herself and she's too loud. Her and I would be a horrible couple." He smiled at Tarja.   
And Tarja understood what Tuomas was hinting. His heart was holding a place for modest girls. Quiet girls. Girls like her.  
"I'll come to school tomorrow," Tarja promised.

She did.  
She seemed a lot happier, now that Tuomas had told her that there was nothing between him and Niina. Tarja went to the band practises normally, ignored the other kids as usual, sat with Tuomas as usual.  
They laughed. Talked. Everything was as it had been before.  
Until, one day in spring, they went outside to look for some branches and more to play Lord of the rings. Tuomas had asked Tarja to read it and she had become a fan; not as much as Tuomas, but still. They went outside and played, Tarja was an elf while Tuomas played a normal human. During this day, Tuomas noticed that Tarja really liked him. More than a friend. Her light smile while he talked about his favourite book made his heart race even more.   
And then he decided to do it.

They walked home from school. They had already given up to take the bus, the other kids would usually make fun of them. So they walked.  
Tuomas walked Tarja home, he never left her alone. But then, one beautiful Friday, he led her to the little wood next to Tarja's house.   
"I need to show you something," he said, his heart beating.  
"And what?" Tarja asked curiously.  
"Just wait. Can you close your eyes for a moment?"  
"Why?" Tarja laughed. Her heart was beating fast as well.  
"Do you trust me?" Tuomas asked and Tarja nodded.   
"Yes I do ..."   
And then she closed her eyes.  
Tuomas waited a while, observing her. She had beautiful lips, lips he was about to claim. She was so cute. And so beautiful. If he succeeded to keep her, he'd have the most beautiful girlfriend on earth.  
He placed his shaking hands on her waist. Tarja didn't react, but he had no idea how hard it was for her not to react. Her insides were screaming with excitement.  
He came closer and then placed his soft lips on hers.  
Tarja wanted to cheer loudly. He was kissing her!! Was that for real??? Obviously, since he didn't pull back. His lips stayed on hers not moving. Was he testing if it was okay for her?  
Tarja carefully parted her lips a bit. Yes, that was what he had needed.  
He moved his lips with her, chastely, as both of them had never really kissed before. After beautiful moments of caressing each other's lips, Tuomas pulled away.  
He smiled at Tarja, who slowly opened her eyes.  
"Wow," she whispered. "Didn't know you liked me that way."  
"Now you know," Tuomas said shyly and took Tarja's hand. "Do you want to be my girlfriend?"  
"Wow," Tarja laughed shyly. "Yes ..."  
"Great!" Tuomas jumped happily and kissed her lips again. "Wow, I'm so happy!"  
Tarja laughed. She could see it.

Their relationship was quiet. They didn't tell anyone about it, not Tarja's father, not Tuomas' parents. None of the kids from school, obviously.  
The young couple held hands a lot. Outside school, of course. In Tarja's room, when they were on her bed and listened to music.  
The first time he took her hand, Tarja's heart made a crazy jump.  
How could it be that she was so lucky? She had always hated her life. Kids were mean to her, her mother was dying. But then Tuomas had entered her life ...  
Tuomas felt the same about Tarja. Ever since this sweetness had entered his life, he had been unable to tear his gaze away from her. She was so cute, so sweet, so talented but not bragging about her talent. She was so shy, just as him. Tuomas was happy, so happy. He knew it was early but he loved her dearly. He did everything to make her happy, and Tarja noticed this. He was the perfect boyfriend. He bought flowers for her after their first month as a couple was over. Tarja was amazed by his cuteness. Her heart grew with love for him and she kissed him chastely. They hadn't done more than that yet.

"You got flowers?" Teuvo asked the day after, as he carried some laundry into his daughter's room. Tarja put the book away.  
"Yes," she said.  
"From who - Tuomas?"  
Tarja blushed. "Yes."  
"Why?"  
Now Tarja cleared her throat. "Because him and I are together for month now."  
To her surprise, Teuvo smiled. "I already thought so. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"  
Tarja shrugged. "So you accept him?"  
Teuvo laughed. "Oh, sweetie. Of course I do. He's a great guy. Really."  
Tarja grinned proudly.  
But then summer came closer and, thank God, also summer holidays. Tarja still got bullied, but everytime someone said something mean to her, she wouldn't listen and think of Tuomas. Soon. Soon ...

"Tarja!" he shouted and ran after her. "Tari!"   
She was crying. Hiding her face from her boyfriend, Tarja tried to walk home without falling.  
"Hey! Why don't you wait for me?" Tuomas asked.  
"Because they'll bully you," Tarja sobbed. "They saw us in the park yesterday, they saw us ... they said I'm too ugly to even have a boyfriend."   
"Oh Tari," Tuomas sighed and took her hand. "Listen, I say you're too beautiful to have me as a boyfriend -" Tarja tried to interrupt him, but Tuomas only talked louder, "and too smart to listen to them. But I don't care if they'll bully me as well. I love you and I want to be with you forever."  
Tarja stopped both crying and walking and looked at her boyfriend. "You... love me?"  
"So very, very much," Tuomas said gently and leaned in. And their lips met.

Tarja continued with ignoring everyone. And so did Tuomas. They didn't bully him, not at all, but they asked him things like why he wasn't ashamed of dating Tarja.  
"I'm not ashamed because she's super sweet, nice, talented and wonderful. Not as every other girl here," Tuomas would answer and then everyone would leave him alone.  
Tarja was happy. They could sit together during the breaks now. Holding hands officially. People left them alone.


	3. Chapter 3

It was Tuomas' last year in middle school. His last month had just started, and Tarja could only think of how her bullies would continue to harass her as soon as her protector was gone.  
And Tuomas' plans were even more amazing:  
He would spend a year in America.   
Tarja had been shocked as he had told her, but he had a dear friend in the United States who had visited him two years ago due to an exchange student project. And now it was Tuomas' turn to visit him.  
Tarja was crying bitter tears every night.  
She didn't want him to leave. It would be a horrible year for her.  
And it turned out be even more horrible.  
Almost 15-year old Tarja got called by Tuomas one day in July.   
"Can you come over?" he asked. He sounded strange.  
Tarja grabbed her bike and drove to him.  
Tuomas seemed distant indeed as he let Tarja in. He led her straight to the couch.  
Tarja's heart was about to stop.  
"Are you okay?" she asked worried.  
"No," Tuomas said quietly. "I'm not okay. I won't see you for a year now."  
"Yes," Tarja said, again close to tears. "But that's no problem... we can write letters."  
"Yes, we ... we could," Tuomas said and swallowed. "But Tari ... Tari my love ..."  
"Yes?" Tarja wrapped her arms around her and leaned her head against him.  
"My love, I need to break up with you."  
It lasted long until the words had reached her brain. And as they did, she ripped her head away from his shoulder. Stared at him. "What...?" she whispered.  
"A year is a very long time my dear and what if you will meet someone? I don't want you to break up with me over a letter. Or the other way round ..."  
Tarja's lower lip started quivering. "Do you mean ... do you mean that you ... could meet a pretty American girl and ... That's why you don't want to see me anymore?" Tears now took her sight.  
"Either that or the other way round. As I said, you could also meet someone."  
"No!" Tarja screeched. "I won't! I ... I don't want anyone else but you! Don't you get this??"  
"Tarja ..."  
"Is it because I haven't been ready?" Tarja went on. "I told you why I can't sleep with you yet, I told you!"  
"You told me, but that's not the reason, my love." Tuomas sight was blurry as well. Tarja buried her face in her hands and started sobbing.   
"I - I wish I was ready!" she sobbed. "I just can't... I'm not sure of myself and my body, I told you!"  
"Tari," Tuomas said helplessly. "It's not that, really ... I can't stand being a year away from you... listen, if I come back and you still want me -"  
He fell silent as Tarja grabbed his collar and pulled him close.  
"Make love to me. Now," she sobbed and kissed him, but Tuomas managed to push the crying girl away.  
"It's not because of that," he said gently and held her tight, caressing the head of the shaking girl.  
His heart was aching. He had known it would be hard.

But he stayed with his opinion and called Teuvo later, asking him to pick up his daughter.   
Teuvo was shocked as he came over and had to see his weakened, puffy-eyed daughter.  
"Tari! What happened?" he asked and Tuomas looked at his shoes.  
"I ... I ended our relationship," he mumbled.  
Teuvo hugged his daughter, who burst into tears again. He tried to calm her, then he looked at the boy.  
"Why on earth? She loves you more than anything, Tuomas!" Teuvo said angrily.  
"I want her to be happy during the time I'm gone," Tuomas explained again. "She can date someone else. She doesn't need to think of me all the time."  
"I think you don't know her good enough," Teuvo said coldly. "You were the only light in her life." Then he led her to the car.  
Tuomas got inside the house and closed the door behind himself.  
Finally he could let the tears flow ... oh, if Tarja and Teuvo only knew how much it hurt him as well ...

The months passed.  
Tuomas was long gone, he felt like home already. College had started already and he enjoyed his time there. He was very popular there, which he wasn't used to. People usually sat around him and listened when he talked about Finland. He even had to teach some Finnish words to his classmates. Mostly swear words.  
He had a nice time there but one thing was missing:  
The knowledge that Tarja was his.  
At night he couldn't sleep; he still had the sound of Tarja's cries in his mind.

And Tarja hadn't felt any different during the summer break. She had spent her time with eating and had gained around five kilos minimum. Now she was even unhappier, even more unhappy with her body.  
she stepped of the scale. "63," she whispered with tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe it. Why did she gain weight like this?  
Bullying got worse now.  
Of course they had found out that she was single again and never stopped telling her that it was because she was fat now.  
Tarja often thought of jumping in front of the school bus.

Tuomas got a phone call from Niina one day.  
"Are you crazy? This will cost you a lot," he scolded his friend, but Niina didn't care.  
"You will want to hear this," she said. "Tarja is fat now."  
Tuomas' heart skipped a beat. "Fat?"  
"Yes, Tuo. Fat. As in ... heavy. Chubby. Curvy ... but not in a good way. Simply fat."  
"Why?" Tuomas knew the answer. She was eating to forget him ...  
"Well probably because you broke up," Niina said. "Do you have a new girlfriend already?"  
Tuomas weighed with the possibilities. Should he lie or tell the truth? If he said no, Niina would try to seduce him once again. As soon as he was back home. And if he said yes, Tarja would know of it soon ...  
"I do have a new girlfriend," he said anyway.

Her name was Amelia Brown. She was nice and none of those super popular cheerleader girls. She was in the chess club and one of the smartest girl of the sophomore year. Tuomas had immediately liked her - and the other way round.  
He called her "Amy" and she called him "Tom". She couldn't say his name right, but it was okay for him. He had taught her some Finnish words one day in the break, and Amy just pulled him close and kissed him.  
"Is that okay or do you have a girlfriend?" she had mumbled against his lips and Tuomas smiled sadly.  
"It's okay and I don't have a girlfriend."

Tarja's mother became healthier and healthier. According to doctors in Helsinki, she had gotten the wrong therapy and then had to travel there for a month. And came back without any hair but healed. She was smiling happily. And so was Tarja.   
Not even the news of the fact that Tuomas had a girlfriend (Niina had told her of course) could crush her.  
After her mother returned back to Kitee, Tarja started doing sports.   
It lasted longer than she had needed to gain the weight but eventually it worked. She lost more weight than she had gained.

Tuomas and Amy were happy. Of course not as happy as Tarja and Tuomas had been, but the relationship with Amy wasn't as complicated as the relationship with Tarja. Amy didn't get bullied. Amy didn't cry immediately. Amy was quite sporty and very smart. Tuomas missed his Tarja of course, her cute and somewhat derpy face. The true love that lay in her eyes. The shy kisses.  
Amy's kisses weren't shy.  
Tuomas lost his virginity to her one day in November. 

Tarja could finally look into the mirror again.. by the end of the year she was slimmer than ever and finally dared to open her mouth to say what was up.  
Everyone stared at her as she stood up during the band's rehearsal. Everyone started whispering about the fact that she was wearing make up and a very tight pullover and leather pants. And she was looking good. Her hair was short, black and straight - nothing curly and blonde was left. And damn, how slim she was now. No one had recognised her first.  
"Professor Dimov? I'd like to sing at the school's performance. Alone, because I know that I'm better than anyone else here." She lifted her chin and Plamen Dimov smiled.  
"Tarja, I'm sorry, but you missed the last months completely. I am surprised to see you here today, to be honest. Yes, you are a good singer, but -"  
But Tarja interrupted him by starting to warm up her voice. She sang a few gamuts and then started singing the song of the upcoming school's performance.  
And she sounded amazing.  
Better than last year. Way better.  
Everyone was speechless.   
What had happened to Tarja?


	4. Chapter 4

Not only Tarja changed. Tuomas did too.  
One day, his friend Henry kidnapped him to a concert of Metallica. Tuomas of course knew Metallica but he had never really listened to them. After the concert though, he noticed that this kind of music was totally his. He decided to throw the clarinet or saxophone ... or both into a corner as soon as he returned to Finland.   
Only a week later, Henry took him to a Guns'n'Roses concert.   
Tuomas was over the moon. He suddenly knew what he wanted to do.  
Music.  
He wanted to do music, write and play music. Not with his clarinet, no. With his piano.  
After the concert, he and Henry smoked a cigarette while waiting for the bus. Tuomas hadn't smoked before but somehow he had started to smoke during the last months. And then someone approached them.  
"You have a lighter?" a nice voice asked and Tuomas gave his lighter to the girl who had taken a stand next to them.  
She looked hot, she was wearing fishnet stockings, black hot pants, a Guns'n'Roses shirt. Black nail polish. Her hair was black as well. She definitely came from the concert, if her shirt didn't tell enough yet, her style did.   
Tuomas watched the girl light a cigarette. She was eighteen, tops.  
"What's your name?"  
"Tu - Thomas," Tuomas stuttered. Thomas was just easier for American people.  
"Tommy," the girl replied with a grin and offered her hand. "I'm Samantha."  
Tuomas decided to flirt back. "Sammy."  
Samantha laughed and then nodded at Henry. "Hi." But then she returned to Tuomas. "You can call me Sam."  
"You can call me Tom," Tuomas flirted and Sam smiled.  
"Interesting accent... sounds so ... nordic?" Sam leaned in.  
"I'm Finnish," Tuomas replied and Sam's eyes widened.   
"Interesting! I've heard Finns are good in bed?"  
Tuomas chuckled. "They definitely are."  
"Oh, I'd like to make myself sure of this," Sam purred. "I booked a hotel not far from here ..."  
"Tuomas, you have a girlfriend," Henry mumbled, but Tuomas ignored his friend.  
"See you tomorrow, Henry," he said and Samantha pulled him away and to her hotel.

Tarja yawned and got downstairs. "Morning..." she mumbled and hugged her mother. She did that every morning, ever since her mother was back and healthy.   
"Morning, baby," Marjatta replied and sat down next to her daughter. "Can I ask you something?"  
"Sure," Tarja mumbled and bit into her bread.  
"Well ... who's this guy at the picture you threw away?"  
Tarja coughed. "My - my ex."  
"How come I've never met him? Was it a short termed relationship?"  
Tarja blushed. "We were together for one and a half years ... almost."  
"Wow. Why did you never tell me?"   
"Mother, we had other things in mind when we visited you," Tarja said with a light blush.  
Marjatta smiled. "I would have loved to hear about him. As good news. But what happened?"  
"He broke up and is now living in America," Tarja huffed. "And I never want to see him again."

"And? Is it true?" Tuomas asked and lit another cigarette. "Are Finns good in bed?"  
"This one definitely is," Samantha said. "Even though you seemed a bit ... shy. You aren't that experienced yet, are you?"  
"Well I'm not, I just turned sixteen."  
Samantha coughed. "What?? Oh God, tell no one about this. Okay??"  
"Eh - okay. Why? How old are you?"  
"I'm twenty-one. Oh God. If you tell anyone -"  
"I won't!" Tuomas called quickly. "You look like seventeen or eighteen..."  
"And you look like twenty," Samantha replied and rubbed her temples. "Okay, in this case I won't give you my number, sorry."  
"That's okay," Tuomas said and looked at her with an apologetic look. "Was nice to meet you."  
"Even though you'll have to apologise to your girlfriend now?" Samantha asked and Tuomas lifted his shoulders.  
"I'll break up. There's someone back home in Finland I love more than anything." He smiled at the carpet floor of the hotel room, thinking of Tarja...

Later he thought of calling her. Asking her if she was alright. Telling her that he missed her. He somehow wanted to tell he that he wasn't innocent anymore ...  
How would she react?  
But he didn't call her. Instead of that he called Amy. He needed to break up.

Tuomas held his promise. He didn't tell anyone about Samantha's real age, her official age was seventeen. He didn't want anyone to get into trouble or get into trouble for himself. And then, after Tuomas had ended the relationship with Amy, everything changed once again.  
Amy didn't cry. She had a thicker skin than Tarja. But she was angry, called Tuomas things. He couldn't be mad at her for doing this.   
And Amy took revenge on her own, by telling everyone that he wasn't trustworthy or loyal. Soon Tuomas lost all his friends - beside Henry - and suddenly felt that getting bullied in an American high school was way more cliché but also way worse than getting bullied (or teased, in his case) in a middle school in Finland.   
The rest of the months weren't nice for him, but one thing kept him going.  
One person.  
Tarja.

Tarja thought of Tuomas everyday.  
As she got accepted to the high school in Savonlinna, she thought about writing him a letter. Sadly she didn't have his address. She could easily ask Kirsti for an address, she knew that, and took every good chance for an apology not to write him. And calling him would be too expensive, obviously.   
"No," she mumbled to herself. "Forget him! He crushed your heart! Forget him, Tarja, he's not worth your tears."  
But she knew he was. He was still present, he was still in her heart. Yes, she had changed a lot, but her love for him hadn't faded. Hadn't changed. Not a bit.

Tarja was getting ready for the school's performance. She was rehearsing and rehearsing and getting better and better. The closer the performance came, the more nervous she got. But one day, the telephone of the Turunens rang. Timo picked up - and shouted for Tarja as the man on the other line wanted to talk to her.  
"Hello?" Tarja asked.  
"Tarja. It's Plamen."  
"Oh. Hello," Tarja said, immediately getting nervous. His voice sounded strange. "What's up?"  
"Tarja, I'm afraid we can't perform Tonight I celebrate my love for you," the teacher said. "The principal pointed out that the text might not be appropriate."  
"Oh." Tarja's shoulders fell. "But - but I've been rehearsing for weeks!"  
"Well, I'm sorry, Tarja. I would have loved to give you the chance of singing your own solo, but apparently -"  
"Wait," Tarja interrupted and called for her father. "Talk to him about it. Daddy! Quick!"  
Professor Dimov smiled. Tarja had the right attitude for a singer - she wasn't giving up that easily.  
About a minute later, he was talking to Teuvo Turunen.   
"About the song? Of course I know it," Tarja heard her father say. "Yes, I understand. Of course he's right, well, the text might not be appropriate... but do you know what? No one speaks English in Kitee." Teuvo laughed. "And if - it doesn't matter. No one will understand the meaning of it. Just go ahead and sing it. It's just a song."  
Tarja squealed and jumped happily. 

But then the evening of the performance had come and Tarja almost died of nervousness. She was shaking and close to crying. She had never performed in front of so many people and one thing she knew:  
Her new principal from the music high school in Savonlinna would be there as well. That made her even more nervous.  
But then the band was done with their songs and it was Tarja's turn.

Tuomas had just returned from America. The jetlag was killing him and he first needed to get used to the time difference again.  
His mother was glad to have him back and immediately dragged him to the school's summer start performance, where Kirsti would play on the piano along with the school's band.  
Tuomas looked for Tarja but she wasn't in the band. Where was she?  
He looked around in the crowd - but nothing. Where could she be, at home?  
Tuomas started to shake. What if she was getting bullied so terribly that she didn't dare to go outside anymore??  
"And now ... please welcome my dearest student," Plamen Dimov suddenly said. "I know I'm not supposed to say this, haha, but would you please listen to her voice? Here's the amazing Tarja Turunen!"  
Tuomas was suddenly standing. He just had heard her name and jumped up, dazzled from the girl ... woman, who was coming onto the stage. She had dyed her hair. It looked dark brown, almost black. It was straight and short, not curly at all. She had grown even, grown and lost weight. She was curvy now, curvy in all the right places. And she was smiling. Nervously, Tuomas noticed, and sat down again. How embarrassing.  
Dimov started playing and Tarja adjusted the microphone with shaking hands.  
And when she started singing, Tuomas was surprised. Not about the song, which had a pretty deep meaning, not about the way she sung it. No, it was her voice that amazed him. It had changed a lot, had become louder and clearer. Stronger. Oh, she must have practised a lot.  
Tuomas suddenly felt how tears wetted his eyes.  
"When I make love to you ... Tonight I celebrate my love for you and hope that deep inside you'll feel it, too..." she sang and Tuomas suddenly wished he had waited. Waited for her. Not broken up, not gone to the USA. He regretted sleeping with Amy, sleeping with Sam, he only wanted Tarja. Tarja was his, Tarja. But now it was too late, he was sure that Tarja already had someone. Or had had ... she must have. How couldn't she, now with those looks, this voice, this body?  
Tuomas needed to talk to her. 

It was the first time ever she had gotten applause. Applause from the whole school, from the school's band ... Tarja was crying. She was happy, relieved and overwhelmed. She had just mastered her first performance.

She walked outside.  
Tuomas wanted to shout for her, but he didn't find his voice. "Tar -" he started weakly, but in the next moment, Tarja fell in the arms of a blonde woman.  
"You were amazing!" the woman called and kissed Tarja's head.  
Tuomas' heart started to swell. She was her mother, for sure. She looked exactly like an older version of Tarja. Her mother was back. She looked healthy ...  
Tuomas couldn't be happier for Tarja and decided not to disturb them.

He visited Tarja the day after.  
He took his bike and drove to Puhos. He hadn't been able to sleep last night, it had been day in America to the time he was supposed to be asleep. And the thoughts of Tarja had kept him awake.  
Now he was there, wondering if she was already back from school. It was only eleven, but it was also the last day of school. She must be back.  
Tuomas' hand was shaking as he rang the doorbell. If she'd be happy about his return?  
The blonde woman, Marjatta Turunen, opened after a while. She smiled. "Can I help you?"

Marjatta had of course recognised him. She had seen pictures of Tuomas, many of them. Tarja had never thrown all of them away.  
"I'm... Tuomas Holopainen," the boy said shyly.   
"I know," Marjatta said gently and Tuomas blushed.  
"Is - uh - is Tarja here?"  
"She must be back in around ten minutes, but please come in," Tarja's mother offered. "I'm Marjatta."  
"Thanks," said Tuomas shyly and entered the house. He walked to the living room and placed his backpack on the couch. "Wow," he said. "A lot has changed."  
"Well, I've been back for half a year now," Marjatta said and followed the boy. "And how was America?"  
"Different than here," Tuomas commented. "Like from another world. I liked it but at the same time I hated it."  
"I know what you mean," Marjatta said gently. "I've been to California once. Where have you been?"  
"Kansas," Tuomas answered.   
"Oh, well, that's a completely different chapter than California! Nice."  
"Yes," Tuomas chuckled. "The high school was ... well." He rolled his eyes. "How's Tarja?"  
In this moment the door crashed close.  
"Ask her yourself," Marjatta mumbled. "Tari? Someone's here for you!"  
As Tarja came into the living room, blue and green met. Her green eyes widened.  
"Tuo ...?"  
"Hi," Tuomas said shyly and stood up. "How are you?"  
Tarja didn't answer.  
"I'll leave you alone," Marjatta said and left the room.  
"How have you been...?" Tuomas asked a little more careful.  
"Well," Tarja finally answered. "Uhm - lonely? Hurt? Sad?"  
Tuomas' heart clenched.   
"Close to suicide - want me to continue?"  
"Oh, Tarja," Tuomas whispered and went towards her. Gladly she didn't back away. "Please, please forgive me ... I missed you so much, every day of the year ... I wanted to write you ..."  
"You could have," Tarja hissed and crossed her arms.  
"I'm so sorry... I want you back, really ..."  
Tarja's arms fell down. "Are you nuts?? You think I will make it that easy for you??"  
"No, I hadn't expected you to forgive me immediately," Tuomas sighed. "But ... I thought you'd want me back as well."  
Tarja stared at him. Yes, she wanted him back. So, so madly. She had missed him so bad. But if she agreed now, she'd make it too easy for him.  
"Sorry," she said softly. "I need to think a little. Could you leave?"  
"Sure," Tuomas mumbled and went past her. But at the door he froze and turned around. Within seconds he was by her side again, pressing his lips on her forehead. "I love you," he mumbled and locked their eyes. "Never stopped loving you."  
Then he left the house.  
"Will you take him back?" a voice behind her asked and Tarja turned around, smiling at her mother.  
"Sure. I love him dearly. But only if he fights for me."  
Marjatta laughed.

Tuomas thought of how to woo her.  
In the following weeks he wrote love letters and left them in her post box. He bought flowers and left them in front of her door. He printed out a picture of them two, wrote 'Look at us, look at how happy we've been ... I miss you, my love.' on the backside and placed it in the post box.  
It was embarrassing for Tarja, as her brothers made fun of her on a daily basis. But one day Tuomas called instead of sending a letter.  
"I have two tickets for a concert not far from here," he said. "It's nothing classical, sorry ... it's a surprise. But I want you to be my guest for this evening."  
Tarja sighed. "Where?"  
"You will see. I want to surprise you. Trust me, love." Tuomas clenched the phone until it cracked. Tarja sighed again.  
"Fine. When and where?"

He picked her up following Friday at four. She was surprised, he brought her to Joensuu with the car of his sister. He stopped in front of an old, rather fallen bar.  
"Romantic," Tarja said sarcastically and Tuomas chuckled.   
"Just wait. We're too early."  
They waited for a while, none of them saying a word. Tuomas had told Tarja not to dress too fancy, if possible, she should dress like a rock star. She was wearing old, ripped jeans now and a black T-shirt that had the Metallica logo on it; that was the most rocky outfit she had found. The shirt belonged to Timo.  
"I've seen them live," Tuomas suddenly said and pointed at Tarja's shirt. "Metallica. Didn't know you were a fan."  
Tarja blushed. "Well, who isn't," she mumbled. She only knew a few songs.  
After five more minutes, a small, white bus stopped in front of them.  
And then some other young men jumped out, all of them looking as if they were from a rock band.  
"Tuomas! Hey!" one of them shouted and grinned at them.  
"Hey, Sami," Tuomas replied. "Juha. Mikko." He nodded at his friends. Tarja was confused. What was he up to?  
"So ... That's Tarja?" Sami asked.  
"Yes. Ah right, yes that's my - uhm - that's Tarja.   
My girlfriend. Tarja knew he had almost said it.   
"Well then, let's go?" One of the men suddenly said and clapped his hands. "Are you nervous?"  
"Totally," Tuomas replied. "Is the equipment already inside?"   
"Everything's done," Sami said. "Only you and your girlfriend were missing."  
Tarja wanted to tell them that she wasn't his girlfriend, but then she decided not to. She was too curious about what Tuomas wanted to do with her and not in mood to answer stupid questions. Tuomas took his hand and she let it happen.  
They entered the old bar and Tuomas immediately dragged her to one of the tables in the front, while the other guys ... went behind the little stage! Suddenly Tarja had an idea of what was about to happen.  
"Listen," Tuomas said nervously and took her hands. "I'm in a band. For only a few weeks now, so this is my first gig. It will only last half an hour as we are the supporting act for a more famous band, but I wanted you to be with me. As a lucky charm. So for half an hour you'll be alone, but I'll watch you from the stage. Okay?"  
Tarja's face softened. "No problem, Tuomas."  
"Wonderful," he breathed, leaned in and kissed her lips. Tarja let it happen.   
After a few seconds he pulled away. "I love you so much," he whispered and went behind the stage as well. Tarja sighed and went to the counter, asking if she could already order. 

She was clenching a bottle of water, eagerly waiting for the band. The music in the background was nice, quite metal, but for some reason it sounded nice to Tarja...  
After some time, they entered the stage and the few watchers, around twenty, started clapping.  
"We're Nattvindens Gråt!" Sami called and then they started playing. Tuomas was playing the keyboard, of course, what else.

The music wasn't exactly Tarja's style, too much growling and very depressed sounding music. She later found out that this special kind of metal was called "gothic doom metal". Luckily they only played for thirty minutes, then the next band would start.  
"We're only support acts for HIM," Tuomas explained as he returned, his face red and sweaty. "Wanna stay? I'd like to see HIM."  
"Sure!" Tarja said with a smile. "You were great, by the way."  
"I was only pressing a few keys," Tuomas replied modestly and pointed at Tarja's bottle. "May I? I am dying."  
"Sure," Tarja laughed and watched Tuomas empty the whole bottle. "More," he then gasped and vanished to the bar. He soon returned with two more bottles of water. "Here. For you."  
"Thanks," Tarja said. Maybe he hadn't changed that much after all. It seemed he still put her needs before his.  
They waited until the second band was done. This one, Tarja did the remember their name, played lighter rock and had a female vocalist. Tarja liked that a lot. 

Tuomas himself couldn't wait for HIM, one of his favourite bands. But the most important thing was, that Tarja was here. His Tarja, who was watching the stage with shining eyes. His Tarja, who looked absolutely gorgeous in this Metallica shirt. His Tarja, whom he had missed so terribly for almost a year.   
"Come on, come on, love me," the female vocalist sang. "Come on, come on, I love you, so please love me too."  
Tuomas put his arm around Tarja.   
"Love me, say you love me!"  
He pulled her close and kissed her deeply.  
And again she let it happen, parted her lips immediately. Tuomas' bandmates a few metres away were cheering, but they didn't hear them.  
Tarja was on cloud nine, oh, how she had missed this. How she had missed him. She grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer. Their lips and tongues melted together as they kissed until air got narrow. They slowly parted and smiled at each other.  
Tuomas let his lips wander to her ear. "Do you want to be with me again, beloved?" he whispered and Tarja nodded.  
"Yes," she replied and he pecked her lips. This was the night of their lives.

Later they drove home. They arrived around midnight, and after Tuomas stopped the car in front of Tarja's house, he leaned in to kiss her goodnight.  
"Want to sleep over?" she asked shyly and Tuomas agreed.  
They tiptoed upstairs.  
After undressing, they lay down in the darkness. Tarja was so happy, she had missed his night caresses ...  
And there his hand was, caressing her shoulder, arm, hip, waist, ...  
And suddenly Tarja did something he hands expected: she sat up and pulled her pajama top off. He couldn't see much, it was dark inside the room, but he could feel her naked skin against his chest as she kissed him. Unbuttoned his shirt.   
Pulled it off. Did she want to -? She kissed his chest and a part of Tuomas awoke.  
"Tarja ..." he moaned quietly and rolled her over. He was on top now, feeling her upper body, caressed her soft breasts. Tarja breathed quietly and Tuomas carefully pressed his middle against her.  
"Oh," Tarja whispered. "You're... you're so hard ..."  
"Yes," Tuomas mumbled against her. "Do you want to ...?"  
No answer.   
"Tari?" Tuomas whispered.  
"Yes?"  
"Are you asleep?"  
Tarja giggled. "No, I'm not. I'm just so ... shocked. You're hard against me ... you could take my virginity now..."  
Tuomas pulled back. "You didn't-?!"  
"With whom, huh?" Tarja gave back. "Nothing has changed, whether the people in school nor their behaviour towards me. I got bullied again after you were gone. There was no chance for me to get a boyfriend."  
"Oh," Tuomas said quietly.  
"Yes," Tarja replied. "That's why you have to let me think now. We could do it now, making it a beautiful, spontaneous first time for the both of us ..."  
"For one of us," Tuomas whispered.  
Again no answer.  
"Tarja ...?"  
"You ... you had sex over there?"  
Her voice sounded strange.  
"I had a girlfriend over there," Tuomas answered and Tarja suddenly pushed him away.  
"And that's why you broke up," she said quietly. "Because you knew you'd look for a girlfriend. And you broke up so you wouldn't have to cheat on me."  
"I would never cheat on you, baby," Tuomas said. "I broke up because I wanted you to feel free while I was gone."  
"But the only one who felt free was you," Tarja whispered and suddenly turned around. "Good night, Tuomas. Please don't touch me."  
"I promise, love," he whispered. "Sleep well ..."

Again he couldn't sleep. Not because of the time, no, he had already gotten used to the time difference again. No, he was thinking about if he had offended Tarja. If he had made a mistake. Well, he knew he had. He should have waited ...  
"Tari?" he whispered but she didn't answer. She wasn't asleep, he knew she wasn't. She normally breathed steadily in her sleep, but now she didn't ...  
He sighed and came closer.  
"Don't touch me," she mumbled and Tuomas smiled.  
"I love you," he whispered.

Whether Marjatta nor Teuvo were surprised as they found them in their daughter's bed, the blankets over their upper bodies, their shirts on the floor.  
"Did they -," Teuvo started and Marjatta shook her daughter.  
"Tarja! Wake up. Coffee is ready."  
"Coming," Tarja yawned and opened her eyes. "Is it okay that Tuomas slept here?"  
"Sure," Marjatta said and then she and her husband left the room. "Did he stay overnight a lot?" she asked while they walked down.  
"Yes, quite a lot. I checked on them every few minutes though, they didn't even have time to do more than kissing."  
Marjatta laughed. "Well, Tarja is quite young but I think with Tuomas I'd even allow her to do more than kissing. He's a good guy."

They didn't talk about this topic for weeks. Tarja was curious about how long he'd survive without trying to have sex with her, but Tuomas really didn't want to push her. So nothing happened until long after Tarja's birthday.  
They had just come home from the cinema and sat on the bed now.  
"Tell me ... how was it?" Tarja said quietly. It was deep in the night.  
"How was what?" Tuomas was confused. "America?"  
"No, you fool. Your first time."  
"Oh, well." Tuomas thought a while. "Not really worth a mention. I'd like to wait for you and then call that my first time."  
Tarja smiled. "Was she ... was it also her first time?"  
"No. She had a boyfriend before me."  
"Oh ... so she was experienced?"  
"More than I. But now that I think back - I really want to see our first time as mine as well. Really." Tuomas was desperate.   
"It's not that easy," Tarja replied and took her boyfriend's hands. "You can pretend and maybe one day you'll believe yourself. I won't forget it though."  
"Would it have been better if I lied to you?"  
Tarja sunk her gaze. "No. Not really."  
She smiled as Tuomas squeezed her hands. "I love you. I love you so much. And I know that soon you and I will go to different schools, but this time we won't break up. Alright?"  
"Alright," Tarja giggled and then they kissed.

They broke up by the end of the year.  
They didn't succeed. Being apart from each other was too much for them.  
Tuomas was too far away to return every weekend and Tarja started to worry about their relationship.   
This time she broke up.


	5. Chapter 5

"Now don't look like that," Marjatta scolded in the morning of new year. "You broke up with him."  
"I know," Tarja whined. "But I already miss him."  
"So call him," Teuvo said. "I'm sure he's devastated."  
"Why did you even break up?" Marietta wanted to know and Tarja lifted her shoulders.  
"He's studying biology, I'm studying music about 300 kilometres away from him."  
"And? Ever heard of phone calls?" Teuvo asked.  
But phone calls weren't enough for Tarja.

Months later she was already dating someone of her school. Janne. A nice guy.  
And also Tuomas had found another girlfriend, no matter how heartbroken he had been.  
In the summer they met again, due to Plamen Dimov, who had invited them for a little reunion party of the band. Tuomas was quite surprised as he entered the Karhu bar and spotted ...  
Tarja.  
He already wanted to turn around, as Tapio grabbed him. "Dude! Hey!"  
"Tuomas!" Riita called and waved him. Sadly Riita was sitting close to Tarja and Tarja turned her head.  
Looked right at him.

Tarja was surprised about how good he looked. Of course he had always looked good, but now his skin looked even clearer. The acne was gone. Was he taking medication for it? She smiled at him carefully, but he didn't reply this smile. Tarja turned back to her talk with Leea. Ever since they weren't in a band anymore, Tarja wasn't an opponent to anyone. Even Raahel and Ilona tried to talk to her in a normal voice.  
Tarja talked of the high school, of the teachers there, the band, her boyfriend.  
"Wait, you're not together with Tuomas anymore?" Raahel suddenly asked.  
"We broke up half a year ago," Tarja said. "Why?"  
Raahel and Leea exchanged a look.  
"I wonder if Niina knows."  
"Niina is still in love with him?" Tarja asked, a glimpse of jealousy creeping into her heart.  
"She talks about him all the time, it's annoying," Leea replied. "No matter how hot a guy hitting on her is - she thinks Tuomas is the hottest of them all. I really don't understand him. Maybe he's so good in bed?"  
Raahel looked at Tarja. "How's he in bed?"  
"Uhm - he's good, yeah," she muttered, her cheeks turning pink. If she told them they had never had sex ...  
"And how's this Janne? Better?" Ilona asked with a grin.  
"Girls, please!" Tarja shouted. "Do not ask me about my love life."  
"Someone's still a virgin," Leea sing-songed and Tarja turned red.  
"I'm not."  
"Don't be ashamed, sweetie," Raahel said, her voice somewhat filled with sympathy. "Not everyone can be ready with ... how old are you?"  
"I just turned 16," Tarja said and the other girls nodded.  
"Sorry," they all apologised. They always forgot how much younger she was.

Tuomas couldn't stop looking at her. She was back to long hair, but it was still dark brown, looking black in the weak light of the bar.   
"Tuo, hei!" a sudden voice made him turn and he smiled at Raahel.  
"Hei, how are you?"  
"Could be better. Tarja is here."  
"Saw her," Tuomas muttered.  
"Why don't you go over to her?" the girl asked.  
"Are you two friends now, or what?"  
Raahel shrugged. "I'm the best singer in my school now, since Tarja is in another one. So yes, we're friends now."  
"Girls." Tuomas shook his head. "I can't go to her, she has a boyfriend. Her father told me."  
"And? Even a blind person can see that you still love her. Go to her." Raahel nodded at him.

"Tarja?"  
His soft voice made her eyes go wide. "Tuomas ..."  
He smiled at her with the most gentle smile she had ever seen at him. Her heart started to flutter as he sat down next to her.  
"Hei, how have you been?"  
"Simply perfect," Tarja replied and Tuomas' heart slowly broke.  
"Same here ..." he lied. He had enough of high school, biology and later, university. He didn't want to study, he wanted to make music!  
He smiled at her shyly. "You look beautiful."  
"Thank you," Tarja said with a blush and suddenly Tuomas took her hand.  
"Sorry I didn't call you for your birthday. Everything was too much for me."  
"Why, are you okay?" Tarja asked worried. "What's wrong?"  
"Uhm ... nothing. The band, you know. Bands. I'm in a second band now."  
"Wow, Tuomas!" Tarja chuckled. "And, does this one also play that doom gothic metal?"  
"No, it's lighter rock," Tuomas answered. "Wanna come to a gig?"  
"I don't know ... can I take my boyfriend?"  
Tuomas' heart stood still for a moment. "Sure," he gave back. "So I'll take my girlfriend."

Said, done.  
A week later Janne and Tarja were waiting in a small bar. Darkwoods My Betrothed was a black metal band, founded by Tuomas' friend Teemu. Janne took Tarja's hand, sensing that she was excited. Or even nervous?  
"Are you okay, love?" he asked and Tarja looked at him.  
"Yes. It's just ... my ex boyfriend is in that band."  
"Yeah, you told me ... it'll be alright."  
Tarja smiled. Janne was so nice ... he deserved to get all her attention. And she tried to, until she saw a blonde girl she knew all to well.  
Tarja squinted her eyes at the girl, who was running around the stage, helping a man she didn't know with preparing everything.  
Her shirt said 'Staff'. So she was working here? Niina was working for Tuomas' band?

"Niini!" Teemu called as Niina brought them their drinks.  
"You'll do that," Niina said and handed everyone a bottle of water. Then she took Tuomas' hand. "Tarja is here. With her boyfriend."  
Tuomas didn't answer, instead he pulled the blonde girl close to him. "I couldn't care less," he said after kissing her. But boy, how he lied.

"And?? Did you like it more than Nattvinden's Gråt?" Tuomas asked after the concert and Tarja laughed.  
"Definitely. But ... it's still a little too hard. Too much growling. Why don't you get a real singer?"  
"It's metal!" Tuomas called. "Metal and a real singer ... would you think this could fit?"  
"Well," Tarja lifted her shoulders. "No, you're right. Ehm... that's Janne, by the way."  
The two boys simply nodded at each other and of course Tarja knew that it would be the best to part them. She wouldn't want to start a fight. But faster than she could pull Janne away, Tuomas asked:  
"Do you want to join the aftershow party? Both of you, of course."  
"I don't know," Tarja started, but Janne thought differently.  
"We'd love to!"

The aftershow party would have been great - if Tuomas and Niina hadn't spent the party kissing in a corner.  
Tarja tried to ignore them, but after an hour they were gone. Both of them.  
Her heart felt like bursting with sadness, this was a big house with many rooms. Of course they had vanished into a room to ...  
Suddenly Tarja had enough. Enough of being innocent, enough of being well behaved.  
She gulped down a small glass of vodka and walked over to her boyfriend.  
"Janne," she said in a flirty voice. "Let's vanish?"  
"We've been only here for an hour," Janne said, "and I'm having so much fun! I didn't know you had so many friends here."  
Tarja's smile froze a little, but then she smiled even more. "We'll come back. This house has many rooms ... for privacy."  
"Oh," Janne pulled her away from the small group of people. "Tarja, do you want to ...?" Tarja nodded. "Now??" Janne breathed. "But - I don't have anything with me ..."  
"I do," Tarja replied.  
"So you are ready? And you aren't drunk?" Janne looked at her.  
"I'm ready and I'm not drunk. Let's go."

Tarja had decided to be a bad girl for once. Janne was nice and he had been patient with her. Now it was her time to give him what he had waited for. He had waited, Tuomas hadn't. He would get what he wanted ...  
Janne pulled back. "You're in thoughts."  
"Of course I am," Tarja whispered back. "This is my first time. Kiss me again."  
"We don't have to do that," Janne replied and caressed her face.  
"But I want to. Come on." She bucked her hips against him and Janne laughed.  
"I love you, Tarja. You're seriously the best."  
And then he kissed her mind numbingly. And Tarja couldn't help but think of it as wrong as something could be. But - did Tuomas think of her right now?  
He certainly didn't.

Tuomas thought of Tarja while he caressed Niina's exposed body.  
He thought of Tarja when she dropped her bra. He thought of Tarja as she lay on the bed and Tuomas bent over her. It was easy to imagine Tarja as he closed his eyes and kissed her. Her kiss was different than Tarja's though. She was not a bad kisser, but Tarja's kisses had been shy and innocent. Sweet and loving. Niina's kiss was almost forcing, longing, certain. She knew what to do, how and where to touch him.  
It would be their first time, Tuomas had always found a way to avoid her.  
But now it hadn't been possible, she had taken condoms with her, they had drunken something, they were alone in a locked room.  
"Niina ..." he pulled away. "I'm not sure if this is right ..."  
"In America is was right for you as well," Niina purred. "With your girlfriend. Remember?"  
"Yes but this is different."  
"Why? Because now Tarja is not a thousand kilometres away from you?"  
"Niina -"  
"Wake up! Tarja has a boyfriend too! She's not abstinent either!"  
"But I ... I still love her." Tuomas avoided Niina's eyes. "I can't do this, Niini. It's not right."  
"Why? Tarja knows we're together."  
"And her look as she noticed killed me," Tuomas said quietly.  
"But she broke up, right? She broke up, which means she doesn't want to be together with you anymore. She doesn't love you, Tuomas."  
Niina's words were hard and for a moment Tuomas almost believed her.  
"Niina - I'm so sorry. This is probably the worst time to break up but -"  
"You're breaking up while I'm naked and beneath you?!" Niina screeched and the next thing he felt was a burn on his cheek. She had slapped him. "Asshole!" she screamed. "Get off of me!"  
Tuomas quickly did what she said. "Niini, I'm so sorry -"  
"Go fuck your beloved Tarja!" Niina screamed and Tuomas picked up his jeans, slipping into them.  
"Niina, I'm sorry."  
Niina didn't reply and Tuomas sighed, took his shirt and left the room.

"Sorry."  
"I said it's okay."  
"I'm so sorry."  
"I said it's okay, Tarja."  
Tarja was sobbing. "I'm sorry I couldn't do it. I'm so ashamed."  
"Tarja. It would have been your first time. You just weren't ready."  
Tarja sniffed. He really didn't sound angry, yet she was so ashamed. "I'm a failure."  
"No, you're just ... you're still in love with Tuomas."  
"What? No!" Tarja quickly said but Janne shook his head.  
"Don't try to deny it. You watched him and Niina all evening. I saw the hurt look in your eyes."  
Tarja didn't reply. Janne was right.  
"So ..." Janne stroke her hair. "Maybe I should give you free."  
"What??"  
"Give you free."  
Tarja stared at him. "Do you mean you're breaking up?"  
"That's a hard way to describe it. But yes, I'm breaking up."  
"Because I wasn't ready to sleep with you??" Tarja was in distress, but Janne shook his head.   
"No. Because I know that Tuomas loves you as well and I want you to go to Tuomas and tell him what you feel for him."  
"He's with Niina."  
"Not if you tell him about your feelings. I also saw the way he looked at us."  
Tarja stared at Janne. And then she embraced him. "You're the best ..."  
"I really love you, Tari. That's why I'm letting you go."

Tarja walked down, fully dressed. She led Janne to the door, her eyes puffy. "Janne..."  
"It's okay."  
"Don't always say it's okay. It's not."  
Janne sighed and hugged Tarja again. "Promise me you'll tell him. Okay?"  
Tarja nodded again and then Janne let go of the girl. He smiled at her and left the party. And just as Tarja walked away from the door, a person stormed past her. Almost knocked her over.  
Suddenly the furious blonde came to a stand, turned around and glared at her.  
It was Niina.  
"Bitch!" she hissed and within a second, she had grabbed the girl's collar. She shook Tarja, who had no idea what was happening. "You man stealing bitch!"  
Then she pushed Tarja back, making her crash against a book shelf. The shelf wobbled dangerously but luckily nothing happened. Tarja saw stars for a few seconds as the back of her head had hit the shelf and as she came to her senses again, Niina was gone.  
"What was that?" she asked a girl close to her.  
"Did she just randomly attack you?" the redhead asked with big eyes.  
"I don't know," Tarja said in confusion and went away from the shelf. "She called me a man stealing bitch and then just pushed me ..." Tuomas. Where was Tuomas?  
She walked back to the party room, sat down on a couch and waited. If Niina just stormed out, he had to come across the room sooner or later. Or not?  
Tarja was right, about five minutes later he let himself fall down next to her.  
"May I?"  
"Sure," Tarja replied shyly. "What about Niina?"  
"I broke up," Tuomas sighed and Tarja's face went soft.  
"Because of me?"  
"How do you know?" Tuomas mumbled and stared at his hands.  
"Because Niina called me a man stealing bitch before she stormed out." Tarja could help but grin. She found it entertaining. "Was I stealing you from her?"  
Tuomas grinned as well. "Kinda. Where is Janne?"  
"He broke up."  
"Two break ups in one night ..." Tuomas mumbled and sighed. "How are you?"  
"I'm fine," Tarja answered honestly. "I'm not sad or something. Not as sad as I've been when you broke up. Or when I broke up."  
"You were sad when you broke up?" Tuomas asked gently.  
"I cried for weeks," Tarja admitted.  
"I did too," Tuomas said and Tarja looked at him.  
"Really?"  
Tuomas just nodded.  
And Tarja smiled. "So I guess you and I are single now ..."  
"Yeah," Tuomas mumbled and looked at her hand. Should he take it?  
But Tarja took her hand away. "Should we stay single for a while? I mean, it's summer now. We could meet and go put and do stuff together but not as a couple ..."  
Tuomas nodded slowly. "Sounds nice," he said. He knew that he wanted her back and, as soon as time would feel right, he would kiss her. A concrete plan was forming in front of his eyes. "Sounds great."

A plan that sadly didn't quite work out.  
Tarja had become really popular in her new school and gained many friends. Those friends she met almost everyday of her free time, and on those times she had time for him, he didn't dare to kiss her. But he wanted, oh, how he wanted.  
And he wasn't the only one, every time he visited Tarja at home, Marjatta gave him looks. Just do it!, those looks said. Go for it!   
But Tuomas had turned into that shy little guy again, intimidated by this beautiful girl next to him.  
She had changed but in a good way. She was surer of herself now. Happier.  
And when they met for the last time in summer, Tuomas felt heartbroken to be apart from her once again.  
"Lets have phone calls," he suggested and Tarja nodded with a smile.  
"I'd like that. Wait, I'll give you the number of my room." She wrote down the number on his hand with an eyeliner.  
Tuomas watched her with a smile, how she held his hand in her cute little hand. And when she looked up at him, he seized the moment and leaned down.  
He knew that her mother was waiting for her and watching them, but he also knew that Marjatta wanted them to be a couple again.  
Tarja was surprised for a moment, but then she enjoyed the feeling of his soft lips against hers. Finally. Finally again.  
He placed his hands on her waist and caressed the fabric of her dress.  
Tarja's lips parted a bit as she sighed and Tuomas let his tongue run over her bottom lip. He kissed it and Tarja pulled away. "I'll miss you," she mumbled.  
"This is no farewell," Tuomas replied and leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you, Tarja ..."  
Tarja blushed and placed her lips on his without answering again.  
She loved him too, of course she still loved him.  
After a few seconds she pulled away. "Goodbye."  
He looked after her as she went to the car. Marjatta waved Tuomas; Tuomas waved back.  
Her mother grinned at Tarja as she got inside the car.  
"Did he tell you?" she wanted to know and Tarja grumbled.  
"Yeah."  
"So? Are you together?"  
Tarja stared out of the window. "I don't think so ..."

And they weren't. University started again and none of them had time for the other anyway. After three tried phone calls from both of them they gave up. When she had time, he was stressed. And the other way round.  
But then Christmas holidays started and both of them returned to Kitee.  
And both of them knew.  
On December 20th, Tarja rang his doorbell, her cheeks reddened and her hair full of snow.  
And Kirsti's eyes lit up as she opened. "Tarja!"  
"Merry Christmas," Tarja said shyly and the older Finn pulled her into a quick embrace.   
"Merry Christmas, sweetie. Tuomas is not here."  
"Oh." Tarja's shoulders fell.  
"He's with a friend until his birthday. I'm sorry."  
"Which friend?" Tarja asked and slowly the colour of her face faded.  
"I think her name is Niina," Kirsti said and Tarja almost got a heart attack.  
"Wh-"  
"I was fooling you," Kirsti said and grabbed Tarja's hand. She had almost fainted. "His name is Jukka Nevalainen. I think they're in a band together. They went to Lapland, those crazy boys."  
Tarja's mind was turning. "He's not with Niina?"  
"I'm sorry for shocking you like that," Kirsti apologised. "Believe me, he doesn't have a girlfriend right now. But come again in five days, I won't tell him you were here."  
Tarja smiled. "Thank you so much."

Tuomas returned on Christmas day, just as his mother had promised the girl. She was sitting on his bed, looking around his room. It hadn't changed a bit. Even the picture of him and her was still standing on his nightstand. The started love letters to her he had tossed after starting them were still "hidden" in the drawer beneath the picture.  
She heard the door in the living room crash close and Tuomas' parents shouting happy birthday. Then she heard his voice. Wow. It was so much deeper now ... her heart started racing and she straightened her dress. She was wearing a dark green dress, soft as silk and very tight. It was showing her curves a lot - which had grown during the last months. She had eaten a lot and now she was one hell of a curvy woman. Her hair was still dark brown and reaching to the midst of her back in big curls. She was wearing only little make up, Tuomas liked her being natural. She threw one last look into the mirror - she looked good.  
She heard footsteps. Someone was walking upstairs.  
She looked around panicking - should she pose? On the bed?  
Yes.  
She jumped on the bed and placed herself on her side, her front body directed to the door.  
And the door went open.

Tuomas' eyes widened.  
There was someone on his bed - a woman.  
A woman looking like Tarja. But she was so adult.  
"Happy birthday," she said gently and let her hand run along her waist and hip, letting it rest on her thigh.  
"Is that you, Tari?" Tuomas croaked and Tarja laughed and sat up.  
"It's me."  
"Oh my god ... what do you want to do with me now, you minx?"  
"Come here and see yourself," Tarja whispered and Tuomas got closer. He leaned over her and Tarja pulled him on top of her, making their lips collide.  
His hands wandered over her hips and waist, gently touching her breasts.  
"Gosh, I missed them," he moaned and kneaded them carefully. Tarja laughed.  
"You missed them but not me?"  
"I missed you just as much," Tuomas replied and Tarja laughed even more. Then she cupped his face.  
"Tuomas?"  
"Yes?" Tuomas breathed.  
Tarja looked deep into his eyes. "Do you still want me?"  
As a reply, Tuomas nodded. "Yes. Of course."  
Tarja smiled and closed her eyes, signalling him that he could do with her what he wanted.  
And he did. He reached behind her to open her dress and pulled it down. He kissed her throat, her chest, her breasts. Placed another kiss between her breasts. Stuck out his tongue and tasted her skin.  
"Mhh," he moaned as he travelled lower, kissing her belly. Tarja breathed hard and arched her back. His hands snuck down and took the hems of her panties, slowly pulling them down.  
Tarja's eyes widened.  
He really wanted to go so far? She didn't complain, she trusted him and wanted him to continue.  
If he wanted to sleep with her now? Damn, she still didn't have her first time behind her.  
All of a sudden she was stiff and not really relaxed. But Tuomas didn't seem to notice it.  
He parted her legs and kissed her entry. "You smell so good," he mumbled but Tarja couldn't say a word.  
Did she want it? No.  
"Tuomas ..."  
"Yes, don't worry, baby," he mumbled and sat up. Opened his jeans and pulled them down.  
"Wait," Tarja said quickly. "I -"  
"I have condoms here," Tuomas replied and opened the drawer of his nightstand.  
"Great," Tarja said. "But ... I don't know if I want that."  
"But Tari!" Tuomas was shocked. "I thought you wanted to be with me again ..."  
"Yes - but - this is too early," Tarja whispered and watched the boy's eyes squint.  
"Too early?"  
"I'm still ... I haven't ... I have never ... Janne and I didn't ..." Tarja couldn't say it, but Tuomas understood.  
"Really? Wow. Don't worry, I'll be gentle."  
"I don't doubt it," Tarja squeaked as the young man placed himself on her. "But I don't feel ready."  
"That's just a question of foreplay," Tuomas mumbled and let his fingers run along her entry, started playing with her clit. "Do you feel it?"  
"Uhuh," Tarja breathed, closed her eyes and tried to relax. But then Tuomas pushed his fingers inside of her and she gasped. "Ouch! Stop that."  
"Wow, you're tight as hell," he moaned and started moving his fingers in and out of her.  
"Of course," Tarja said and felt how tears ran down her cheeks. "Fuck, it hurts ..."  
"Yeah ... it's a good pain, huh?"  
"No!" Tarja sobbed and pressed her hands on her eyes. "Please stop."  
But he didn't stop. He kissed her, gently, yes, but she didn't want to. She pressed her lips together and sobbed and moved around.  
"Tarja, what's wrong?" Tuomas whispered and kissed her cheek.  
"Why don't you understand that I don't want to have sex?? I came here to cuddle and kiss, that's all ... and now you're raping me!"  
Quickly he pulled his fingers out of her. "I'm not raping you," he said. "I thought you wanted it too."  
"Sooner or later, yes. But not now." Tarja avoided his eyes and Tuomas got off of her.  
"You're so uptight. Get loose, Tarja." Tuomas wanted to kiss her again, but Tarja had enough.  
"Fuck you, Tuomas," she hissed and pushed him away. She jumped off of the bed and got into her dress. Tuomas watched her in shock. Had he tried to rape her??  
Tarja wiped her tears away. "Don't dare to call me," she mumbled and got out of his room.


End file.
